Toxic Ties

 

    Today there are a lot of trending words that are over used to the point we don't really know what these words mean or look like. One of these words is toxic. Often the word is used incorrectly to demonize someone that we don't like instead of understanding and being accountable for the role that we play in the chaos. To have a better grasp we have to define what is toxic, how it starts, the effects, and how we can overcome toxic behaviors. 

    What is toxic? Well the dictionary definition "is containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation"(Merriam Webster). For something to be toxic it is either extremely negative in low doses or it is continuously negative in moderate doses. Tragic circumstances can arise and less than ideal things can be said and done. We all can display toxic or inappropriate behaviors at times; depending on the severity and the root cause is going to determine the resolution. It is when the behavior starts to have a negative impact on the individuals or situation is when there is an issue. But where do toxic behaviors come from? 

    According to WebMD, "It may just be their personality. But many times, people who are toxic become that way because of their upbringing or life experiences. They don't know healthy ways to deal with their own stress, so they behave in ways that cause harm to other people" (WebMD). So in other words our family and culture has a huge impact on what is seen as acceptable and what's not acceptable. Most of us know inherently wrong from right; however, we are programmed and conditioned to make exceptions.

    There is never a reason to deprive children of education, clothing, shelter, food, safety, or affection. These are basic needs that they have the right to. However in toxic families  these needs are often ignored. 

Examples of normalized toxic behaviors acted out on children:

• Sending child to bed without eating as a punishment
• Having child perform age inappropriate responsibilities 
• Not allowing child privacy especially when dressing and grooming themselves
• Making child kiss or hug relatives when they don't want to 
• Having child eat inappropriate things like hot sauce (or anything the could intentionally make them sick) or sticking objects in or on inappropriate spots as punishments (cigarette burning, standing on grits, pepper insertion)
• Keeping child from school to look after siblings
• Using child as emotional support system; treating them like a spouse
• Locking child in any place
• Manipulating child by telling them you were abusive towards them to protect them
• Having child babysat by an irresponsible/abusive caregiver
• Ignoring your child when they are talking or expressing emotions
• Declining child affections because "it makes you feel uncomfortable" or you "feed and cloth them and make sure the bills are paid"

    Tragedy and hardship in the family can cause prolonged toxic environments:

• Death of a family member
• Severe mental illness/ physical disability
• Care-giving for someone for a prolonged time
• Financial troubles
• Violent spouse/ family member (physically, verbally, mentally, sexually etc)
• Substance abuse
• Natural disaster
• Divorce/ Separation
• Career changes
• Age related changes (midlife crisis, hormonal teenager, menopause)
• Generational differences
• Incarceration of a family member 
• Adoption
• Pregnancy/ miscarriage
• Culture change (moving to neighborhood/state/country)
• Boundaries (disagreement of life choices: spouse, career, school, self-expression, etc.)
• Assault: trafficked, kidnapped, robbed, held at gun point
• Illegal lifestyle/ High risk career: military, drug ring, police officer, lady of the night

Life  isn't always about the tragedies that we go through because there is not a person on this earth who has not had them. It's about having the support and tools that you need to overcome life's adversities. Many of us get trapped in our traumas and become toxic individuals unintentionally. The longer the traumas go unresolved the deeper the toxins spread.

Examples of the effects of unresolved internal conflict and trauma:

• Depression
• Surrounded by flunkies 
• PTSD
• Self harm*
• Narcissism
• Ignoring other people's boundaries/ lacking boundaries yourself
• Emotional outburst ( incontrollable crying, yelling, hitting, etc.)
• Eating disorders
• Body dysphoria
• Substance abuse
• Anger management
• Envy
• Unexplained body pains 
• Repeating painful cycles in your life
• Isolating yourself 

*self-harm isn't always but it does include trying to end your life. Self- harm is also doing destructive things to yourself because you think you deserve bad things to happen to you. This is far from true!

• self-sabotaging  great friendships, intimate relationships, or business relationships
• intentionally allowing people to violate you
• saying horrible things about yourself 
• scaring up your skin 
• intentionally being mean to people to keep them away from you

    Many of us believe in order to heal we need the people that hurt us and so to speak "made us into the monster that we are", need to give us a hug, tell us that they apologize for what they did, and they are going to be better people tomorrow. The unfortunate truth is, for most of us, if we wait for them to change then we stay attached to the toxic ties. 

    We can't wait for or expect other people to change no matter how much we love them. We have to be the change that we want to see in other people. In order for us to be better people we have to:

1) Admit you have a problem-- you cant fix something you are in denial about or making excuses for

2) Forgive yourself-- you can't know what you don't know 

3) Truly believe that you can be a better person -- nothing works without faith

4) Invest in getting to know yourself--- the good, bad, and the ugly

5) Research-- invest in books, online articles, learning courses, and qualified individuals 

6) Practice your new knowledge-- it's going to take some time 

7) Boundaries-- not everyone is going to believe or respect the new you but you have to set boundaries

8) Get support-- to hold you accountable find like minded people

    Change isn't easy especially when the changes are deep rooted and toxic. It's not about being perfect it's about everyday being a better person than you were before and stretching that toxic tie until it breaks! Toxic behaviors don't always mean that you are a toxic person, however it's important to get ahead of the problem before it becomes destructive to yourself and everyone else around you.